I had a hard, hard day Monday and a worse night. I really don't want to get into it, except my head was full of every single negative thought a person can have. I woke up feeling like a wrung-out washcloth.
My recent attempt to finish a small wall hanging looked dismal to my critical eye. It was okay, but just not working. I had no idea what to do next or where to go with it.
I couldn't FEEL the advice I've been giving wholeheartedly to others. I didn't feel like me. I didn't feel authentic. I felt like every disgruntled, jealous, bitter person in my life who'd ever had anything bad to say about me was right.
Tuesday morning I had a studio visit scheduled for someone who wanted to see my work for a possible commission. I was trying to think of great reason to cancel. My chest felt tight. Croup? I LOVE croup! I had a headache. Maybe a brain tumor? How about sheer obnoxious artistic temperament. ("My art speaks for itself and I have nothing to say to you.")
But time went by, as it does, and the person showed up as scheduled.
And I'm so glad they did.
Because in between raves from them about my studio (mess and all) and even bigger raves about my work, I realized my prayers had indeed been answered.
First, I was saddened by having to distance myself from friends who have become toxic. I realized suddenly that in the last few weeks, many many new people have entered my life (including this visitor). I will never lack for friendship because I am always OPEN to new friendships. Maybe I won't be the kind of person who has friends for 30 years. Maybe I'm not good at that. Or maybe that's just what happens. On the other hand, pretty good friends for a few years sounds workable right now, especially if they are the right kind of people--enthusiastic, supportive, grounded and creative (or at least excited by creativity).
Second, the visitor brought a possible opportunity that could open new doors for me, exactly the kind of work and connection I've been working for. Right under my nose, too. It's doable, it's not scary, and it would be a wonderful launching point.
Third, as we talked, the person kept saying I was blessed and fortunate to have a certain component in my life--having a wonderful life partner. And it's true--I AM blessed in that. But it made me realize that there is always SOMETHING we think we lack that would make us perfectly happy--a good partner, a good job, children, a lovely home, health. The trick is being happy IN SPITE OF our perceived "lack." To see it as a whole life no matter what we think is missing--because SOMETHING is always going to be "missing". We must understand that ultimately, we complete OURSELVES.
I hasten to add that some of the missing components are under our control/influence and some are not. If they are, work on 'em! If not, let go.
Fourth, I went back to work yesterday afternoon on the second piece in this small series. And it went much faster (because I had a template in the first one to work from) and better (because I could see what was lacking in the first one). It looks pretty cool, in fact. Displayed together, the "weaker" piece looks stronger. It's obviously part of a series, rather than a not-so-hot stand-alone piece. As an added plus, the technique is one that would look really, really good in the shield series. Hmmmmm....
Fifth, I realized this morning that though it's helpful to know which pieces are the more successful pieces (in terms of composition, contrast, etc.), to some people it simply won't matter. Even pieces I feel are not as good will connect with someone, and they will love it passionately for their own good reasons. I am not to judge that or fret about that, but just make the artwork and let the connection happen.
Last, as a corollary to the "complete yourself" prayer, I realized something one of college professors (and good friend) said to me years ago. Fritz Lehmann said, "Don't worry about screwing up; your enemies will ALWAYS hate you anyway, and your friends will forgive you."
I realize those voices in my head are the echoes of people who resent me because of who THEY are. Or who they are are not.... When I put names to those people, I recognize them as bitter, resentful, jealous and fearful people.
And I understand these people have nothing to teach me, except that I should not listen to them.
I'm still behind on so many things, and still having trouble with priorities.
But I'm feeling SO MUCH BETTER. And I'm working again.
