A reader e-mailed me soon after my blog entry
THE NEW ME (GROUCH) the other day. "You're not grouchy--you're just getting older and wiser!" she exclaimed.
It was a long, thoughtful letter, sharing insights she's gained from achieving her own "wise woman-hood". It's not about no longer being nice, she said. It's about giving yourself permission to be your true self, with no apologies or explanation.
She writes, "I needed to change what I expected of myself, and thereby, at least have a chance of changing what others expected of me." Learning to say no, learning to set boundaries. It's a natural outcome of our time of life. And it takes just as much time to come to terms with, and grow into this new role, as kids going through adolescence.
Oddly, I had a very similar conversation just hours before with a friend I ran into. I hadn't meant to "dump" but it all just poured out. I'd been ruefully telling her how frustrating it was figuring out all this stuff. Why was it taking me so long to work through all this stuff??? Was I stupid on top of everything else???
"You don't have to do anything," she said soothingly. "It's a process you go through. And as you go through it, you'll figure it out in your own good time. Don't beat yourself up over it--you're doing FINE!"
Somehow, what Mark said (my friend I wrote about yesterday in SOMEONE ELSE'S POV, what these two friends had to say, and an article I read by Martha Beck in an old issue of O(prah) magazine, have all come together for me today.
In the August 2005 issue, in her monthly column, Beck wrote about MONKEY MIND.
Monkey mind is when our compare-and-contrast skill gets out of kilter, and we are locked into "compare-only mode"--constantly wondering how we measure up instead of also appreciating our individual differences: Who's smarter? Who's prettier? Who's faster/wittier/more successful/better? And how come I'm not as pretty/smart/strong/fast/rich/successful/good as so-and-so???
Monkey mind is crazy-making and gets us nowhere in life except unhappy. Accept it is part of our human heritage, she says, but shoo it away quickly when it appears.
Mark reminded me that the "failures" I see in my art career right now are 1) normal; 2) normal and 3) normal. My friend Lee reminds me that he LOVES my artwork, even when I'm so busy saying I'm stuck or blocked. My friend Lisa writes that I'm not grouchy, I'm learning to stick up for myself. And my friend Lucy says I'm not "slow" in getting this stuff, I'm doing just fine.
Martha's strategies for getting our of comparing mind are simple but effective.
1) Celebrate your failures and embrace them. We all screw up and live to tell the tale. It makes us human.
2)Compliment your rivals--because the real "winner" is the person who's not busting a jealousy hernia.
3) And practice "appreciation mode" by playing your "top five" hits constantly--listing five qualities you admire in others, describing five of the most beautiful things you've seen, the five most joyful moments of your life, the five kindest things anyone has ever done for you.... In short, a sort of gratitude journal. Monkey mind can't live in this environment.
I realize this is one reason I enjoy writing my blog so much. Not only to share advice, and to teach, and to write--three things I LOVE. But also to celebrate my "failures". Each day I not only share what I've learned from working hard, but what I've learned from MESSING UP. What I've learned from doubting myself, and being stumped.
I've worked through painful experiences and tried to present them thoughtfully, with great care. And hopefully with some degree of fairness. If I can recognize the pain some of them have caused me, I can at least also acknowledge what I contributed to the situation. And recognize the good things in those people/situations despite their shortcomings.
All this has helped me see my own life better. And helped me calm my OWN MONKEY MIND in the process.
Hopefully yours, too.
And to quote Martha Beck's lovely last lines, "If you stay alert and use these tools, you'll soon feel a lot less crazy.... You'll succeed at failing, win by losing, remember INFINITE "top five" experiences, and also see that there are no top experiences....(snip) Each event is perfectly itself. Unique, incomparable. And--you really knew this all along--so are you."
My friend Lee dropped by this morning. He asked me how I was, and for the first time in a long time, I answered truthfully, "I feel GREAT!"
Because I think I am starting to feel better.
He pointed out the sun is shining, too, so maybe that helps.
