Harry Tuttle failed to come to my rescue, so I wound up transferring payee data from my bank's old bill-payment system to the new one. The cloud's silver lining is bill presentment, which the old system didn't support but the new one does. The first of my payees to indicate support for bill presentment was AT&T.
In the old system, I used my phone number as my account number. Seemed logical, since the bill reads Customer ID: 603 xxx-xxxx, and it worked. But no, the new system doesn't recognize that account number. Hmm. Scanning the bill again, I notice at the bottom: Customer ID: 603 xxx-xxxx D. Could that be it? Nope, it isn't. Now I'll have to -- shudder -- call them.
Wouldn't it be cool if a customer-service call to AT&T went like this?
AT&T IVR: Welcome to AT&T. Please enter your 10-digit telephone number.
Jon: Beep beep boop, beep boop boop, beep beep boop beep.
AT&T IVR: Welcome to IVR Hell. Press any digit to be annoyed, or scream 'HUMAN BEING!' to be connected to a carbon-based life form.
(Unfortunately, you still have to press 0 to reach that person. Here's how it really went.)
AT&T IVR: Welcome to AT&T. Please enter your 10-digit telephone number.
Jon: Beep beep boop, beep boop boop, beep beep boop beep.
AT&T IVR: Blah, blah, blah, press 0 to be connected to...
Jon: 0.
AT&T Human: AT&T Consumer Services, please tell me your 10-digit phone number.
(This part always amazes me. Why bother to ask the first time, and then immediately forget?)
Jon: Digit digit digit, digit digit digit, digit digit digit digit.
AT&T Human: Our records show you are using AT&T long-distance service on that line. Thank you for using AT&T. Do you have another line?
Jon: Yes.
AT&T Human: Please tell me the 10-digit phone number.
(This part always amazes me too. Do they really not know this?)
Jon: Digit digit digit, digit digit digit, digit digit digit digit.
AT&T Human: Our records show you are using AT&T long-distance service on that line. Thank you for using AT&T. Do you have any other lines?
Jon: No.
AT&T Human: How can I help you today?
Jon: I'm trying to sign up for online bill payment and electronic bill presentment, and I need to know my account number. I thought it was just my phone number, but evidently not.
AT&T Human: I can send you a package of forms to fill out...
Jon: HUMAN BEING!
AT&T Human: Excuse me sir?
(OK, that last bit didn't really happen. But as Dave Barry would say, I am not making the rest of this up.)
Jon: No, no, no. You don't understand. AT&T has a relationship with CheckFree, and CheckFree has a relationship with my bank, and I'm on the signup screen for online bill payment and bill presentment as we speak. I just need to know what AT&T thinks my account number is.
AT&T Human: It's not your phone number?
Jon: No.
AT&T Human: Then try this: Digit digit digit digit digit digit digit digit digit digit digit digit digit.
(Oh, of course, it's obvious. That's the first 13 digits of the unpunctuated 51-digit number at the bottom of my bill. Silly me, why didn't I think of that? Sheesh.)
Jon: Let's see if it'll work. Click, click...yup, that's it. Thanks so much.
AT&T Human: Thank you for choosing AT&T.
OK, now we're cooking with gas.
Not.
So far, I have only recreated what I had before: the ability to pay AT&T online. There's an additional signup step for online bill presentment. The form -- presented by CheckFree, populated and handled by AT&T -- wants the account number, and cleverly supplies it as the default. Great! Except:
AT&T: Unknown account number.
Sigh. This was supposed to save us time and money, right?
A leading driver of biller conversion to EBPP is potential cost-savings. As companies and other stakeholders recognize the significant expense reduction and revenue creation opportunities to be generated by EBPP, the depth of product capabilities and delivery alternatives will continue to grow. [TowerGroup Research shows move to Electronic Bill Presentment & Payment could save U.S. Billers $5.5 Billion a Year, and Consumers $4.4 Billion]
That report was issued in 2000. I wonder how much billers and consumers have so far saved, and at what cost in time and effort.
The picture isn't all gloomy. The next payee on my list, Countrywide Home Loans, worked flawlessly. Still, you'd have thought that AT&T, who gave the world Unix, would know a thing or two by now about process pipelines.
Former URL: http://weblog.infoworld.com/udell/2003/06/23.html#a731