It’s that time of year. Actually, any part of the year is that part of the year. School vacations, Columbus Day weekend, the holiday season—they’re all times of the year when salaried (aka “normal”) people have time off. And when artists and craftspeople are busier than ever with shows and wholesale orders.
I think this is one of the hardest aspects of our biz. Other people's vacation times are not our vacation times. People outside the biz have an extremely hard time understanding this.
It’s really hard for my husband and I. About 95% of our parents, sisters, brothers and in-laws teach, or used to teach and are now retired. So on top of the regular holidays, they have spring break, winter break, 8-14 days off at Christmas/New Year’s and that two-month summer vacation thing.
Our bigger families feel that my husband and I have more freedom with our time because "we can pack up and go at any time". I finally had to point out to them that, since we are self-employed and do not get paid vacation time, paid sick time or paid holidays, every time we take a week to come and visit, our income is reduced by at least 25% the following month. They got that, and have been a little better since.
Try to separate your immediate family needs from the bigger circle family needs. I'm sure others mean well and have high hopes for celebration. But your immediate family's needs must come first.
If giving up a show means huge loss of income for your business, if it means added stress for you and your husband, and crazy travel decisions for you and your kids you are not comfortable with, then that's what you should base your decision on.
Your bigger family is important, too. But I quit getting so twisted up about meeting their needs when I realized usually, no one else was so eager to twist their lives and schedules around to accommodate us, as we had to to accommodate them. Someone else might think giving up their golf game for a week is equivalent to me giving up a show. It is, to them, but that makes me think twice before I give up the show so they don't have to miss their tee-off.
Consider, too, whether your business is considered equal in importance with your husband's in your family. If your husband were scheduled for a similar business event, one that’s extremely important to his career--would there be so much angst about the decision? When my business was considered a "hobby" by both extended families, my schedule conflicts didn't have much credibility. Now that I'm a "famous artist", my schedule is respected more. (Another reason to self-promote!)
I personally refuse to get hung up on the "exact time" a special occasion is to be celebrated. If you've been at BMAC, then you've often been away from your sweetheart on Valentine's Day. We've celebrated Christmas a week early, a week late and everything in between to accommodate our extended family. The love and laughter was just as great. Both DH & I have been out of town on important anniversaries, birthdays and holidays. It happens. It's not grounds for divorce. A 50th birthday is special, but your hubby's going to be 50 all year. This school vacation is convenient for your extended family, but the next vacation would be more convenient for you.
My advice: You and your family decide what's best for yourselves. You can consider each immediate family member’s needs. If your husband feels it’s time to see his parents, he can do that. So can the kids. But consider your own needs, too. I’ve often traveled home to visit without my husband, and he does the same to see his family.
DO NOT ALLOW GUILT TO BE USED AS A WEAPON AGAINST YOU. When people use guilt to get you to do what they want, that should be a red light. It might be because they know their case isn’t strong enough to stand on its own. I listen more willingly to someone who speaks from their heart (“I love you and miss you—how can we both make time to be together?”) than someone who resorts to guilt (“You never come home to visit anymore!”) It’s funny, but I’ve noticed that often people who guilt-trip you the most are the ones who haven’t done their share of the traveling!
And last, my best advice is, never explain, never complain.
When you have made your decision, don't apologize for the lifestyle or factors that went into making it. And don't offer explanations, because people will automatically try to argue with them. And then you add more explanations, and they argue with those. It starts to look like you just don't want to come.
Just state your decision. If you cannot oblige, say with sincerity that you are deeply moved by the thoughtful gesture but you are simple not able to accommodate it at this time. Offer another time instead.
Or, if you decide to give up the show, know that there is no single show or event or agent that will make or break your career. If you decide this celebration is extremely important to your husband (how does HE feel about the whole thing??) then do what you feel is best for your family--your husband and your kids.
Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for the best for you. Just the thought that you are struggling with your decisions so much shows that you are really trying to take care of everyone in this situation. But you can't. Someone will be disappointed, and you can only decide who it will be.
