A two-page article in the September issue of Oprah magazine helped me avoid making a stupid mistake today.
The article, "The Two Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People" by Dawn Raffel, features the insights of corporate consultant Anna Maravelas. She says when things go wrong, we get frustrated.
We say, "I'm frustrated because of someone's stupidity." Then we tend to do one (or both) of two things: Blame others or blame ourselves.
The first sets us out looking for other people's mistakes. The second burdens us with unnecessary baggage.
The first blinds us to what's going on in other people's lives that made them behave the way they did. The second buries us under guilt.
Both lock us into unproductive behaviors of blame and recrimination. And neither solves the problem.
Ms. Maravelas calls these two conditions "the stinky twins"--(BO, Blame Others and BS, Blame Self), which is a hoot. But appropriate. Neither is pleasant to be around.
How did it help me today?
I've been nursing a grudge about a store I find difficult to work with. I was all set to send out a letter outlining my grievances. I was so clearly wronged, and I wanted them to know it.
But something nagged at me, and I dragged me feet about sending the letter. I kept revising it, making it stronger, making it colder.
Finally my husband said, "Do you really want to send this letter?" I asked why. He rephrased his question: "Do you really NEED to send this letter?"
Well....no.
And then I read this article and realized I was frustrated by the SITUATION. And felt I had to blame them for it.
This article shone a bright light on where my discomfort lay. I don't need to do business with this store, I don't need the aggravation of dealing with them.
But I also don't need to "set them straight". I don't know why they are so odd to deal with. But it isn't about me, and I don't need to make it about me.
Instead, I wrote a short note of apology for MY rudeness, and came up with a different course of action.
It feels much better. And it's something I can live with.
Thank you, Anna Maravelas, for showing me a way to deal with conflict that adds a little less grief to the world.
