I heard that phrase again, the one one that drives me absolutely nuts.
"You're so lucky."
I can almost tell you with absolution precision where in a conversation these little words pop up. We're usually listening sympathetically to someone recount a list of woes and hardship, nodding away and saying, "Oh my....Oh, that's awful for you!" We're often trying to find ways to help, to deal with the problem, or to gain insight into why it's happening. Or we're just listening because we care.
And then they lose me entirely with those words.
We can't possibly understand what the person is going through, they hint, because my husband and I are "so lucky."
We don't have awful jobs. We don't have to work in a bad office. We don't have to put up with blah blah blah.
My personal favorite, from a couple, both people with previous marriages, neither of whom had custody of the children from those marriages, with family and custodial parents in the area who could babysit at the drop of a hat, who complained they "never had time alone together". Jon and I were so lucky, they'd say, because.....
Well, I could never figure that one out. Our kids live with us round the clock, we have no family within 300 miles, we didn't even know anyone when we moved her with a new baby, Jon traveled a lot for his job at the time, and even now our bedroom lies between teens and the laundry room. We used to beg our parents to come visit so we could go to a movie once or twice a year. We'd scratch our heads and think, "If we're so lucky.....how come you see more first-run movies than us??"
My second personal favorite is, "You're so lucky, you're married, you can have sex whenever you want." In case you can't hear it, that roaring, snickering noise you hear is the sound of married people everywhere who are ALSO approaching THEIR 25th wedding anniversary, laughing. (Later I said to my husband, "Right here! Right now! On the kitchen table!" and he said dryly, "If we HAD a kitchen table...")
If you've ready any of my magazine columns or these entries, you know I DO feel fortunate to be able to do what I do. My husband feels the same way. We have the privilege of doing work we love, working out of our home for the most part. We have a certain degree of flexibility many people don't have.
But luck doesn't have much to do with it, except for the luck of waking up each morning and being able to get out of bed on our own two feet (after a little judicious stretching and a lot of grunting, that is). We ARE blessed to see the sun of a brand new day, especially in New England where we usually have to take the sun part on faith.
But my teeth clench every time I hear "bad luck" offered as an excuse for why the speaker is not taking charge of THEIR life.
For the thirty years we've been together, my husband and I have made CHOICES that inched us closer and closer to where we are today.
Sometimes, MANY times, we made choices that completely sidetracked us.
Many of our choices left us feeling frustrated, blocked, trapped. We've been in dead-end jobs, uncomfortable family situations, unbalanced friendships and financial stress, dealt with sickness and injury and failing parents just like everyone else.
But we always knew in our hearts that most all these situations were the result of many, many decisions, big and little, we've made along the way.
I am NOT saying we have it all figured out. I am NOT saying we make great decisions. I am NOT saying I am qualified to tell other people how to live their lives (though I LOVE to.)
I am saying that there are consequences of the choices we make. There are trade-offs for every place we put ourselves. And if you don't like the consequences and trade-offs, then you need to make different decisions.
My friend Mark lives in New Orleans. He didn't complain about Katrina coming through his neighborhood. (Well, he DID, but bear with me here.)
When I asked him if he and Brenda thought about relocating after the catastrophe, he said, "Not seriously. We know the hurricane drill. We know the risks. We CHOSE to build our business and raise our family here. And now this is home." The trade-offs for Mark of living in New Orleans is running the risk of losing his home and business to a mighty wind. But even that terrible risk is worth it to him, because of what that city has done for him, and what that city means to him.
My husband and I have an extremely low tolerance for hurricanes, and heat, and big cities. So we have chosen, over and over, not to leave New England, though these choices keep us in an area of huge snowstorms, black flies, limited employment opportunities, and not the best market for my work.
I guess, in a way, it's especially ironic to me when people claim they "have no choice" in our country. After all, our government doesn't tell us what work to do, or where to do it. There are few legal restrictions on where we live or what kind of house we can own. In fact, you can build a house on the side of a cliff facing an ocean, and if it falls into the sea, you are still covered by insurance. It takes more paperwork to own a dog than to have a child, and more thought is sometimes given to the color of our new car than the person we chose to marry.
There are so many people around the world whose resources are so limited, who have so little control over their lives, I'm embarassed to think of Americans saying such words as "we're just not lucky".
And there are so many people in our country, especially children and dependent people, who have so little power in their lives, who really don't have much say in what happens to them, people who suffer massive injuries or suffer from debiliating illnesses, that I simply shudder when someone who has enough to eat, who has a roof over their head, who has a spouse or a child or friends, who has intelligence and abilities and talents, who have the use of most of their physical attributes, who can simply WALK for godsake, when someone who even has a college degree, tells me that they are simply "unlucky" and that is why they are unhappy and that is why they are trapped in their miserable life.
What's keeping you deeply rooted in that unhappy place is a few things.
One is habit. The habit of thoughts about what you should do, thoughts about what you have to do, thoughts about what you can't do.
Another thing is fear. The fear of failing, the fear of starting over, the fear of looking stupid if you try, the fear of being alone, the fear of change.
And another thing is the choices you've made. The consequences you can accept, and the trade-offs you are willing to live with.
One of my favorite people right now is a young woman who loves to travel. She keeps her living expenses low, her obligations light, and she works hard at her job. And she travels as much as she can. Every time we meet, she has photos from her latest trip. My favorite is the one of her, wide-eyed in a snorkling mask, next to a shark. She knows what she wants, and all her choices support that.
I AM lucky.
I finally realized, late in life, that I wanted to be an artist.
I didn't "get over" being afraid--I acted IN SPITE OF my fear. (Sometimes very, very slowly, to be sure....) I failed...but I didn't give up. I got angry about some things that were unfair...but I found a way around them
When things are broke, I look at how I could fix it.
And I'm willing--very very willing--to look at what I bring to the situation.
When I'm frustrated, impatient, despairing, or jealous, I try to focus on what *I* am in control of, and what *I* can change. I try to remember why I chose as I did, and what the trade-offs were. If that trade-off is not worth the consequences anymore, well, then, it's time to do something different, isn't it?
Yes, I AM lucky. But YOU are lucky, too.
Maybe that's why envy is one of the seven deadly sins. Not because it's wrong to want what someone else has--that's human. But because it blinds you to the blessings and possibilities of your own life. It deafens you to the true desires of your own heart.
As Dr. Phil says, "Is that working for you?"
And if the answer is no, then do us all a favor.
Do something else.
