An artist friend recently gave me an insight into a puzzling experience I'd had with another artist friend earlier this year.
It involved someone who'd mentored me beautifully a few years ago, but acted very strangely in a situation where they were not the "top dog". I was baffled at the time and wondered what had gone wrong. I told my artist friend the story and asked her what she thought.
"She probably thought you still needed her help," my friend said. "And it probably freaked her out when she saw how far you'd come on your own, maybe even surpassing her. Some mentors can't handle that."
Aha.
Probably most of us wish at some time for someone to offer advice, give us insight or simply tell us how to handle something. But mentoring—and being mentored—can be a tricky proposition. The more I experience both ends of the process, the more I learn to proceed with care.
A mentor learns to choose new "students" wisely. I've found that many people will SAY they want your advice. But what they really want is for you to agree with them. Or tell them they're doing just great. Offer any strong feedback and they'll argue with you. Or simply never respond, not even offering a simple thank you for your time.
The best reward you can give someone who takes the time to mentor you is to consider their advice thoughtfully. Put the old ego on hold for awhile, and THINK. Decide if the advice works for you or not. And if it does—go for it!
One of the single most satisfying experiences I've had is someone who asked me for a suggestion, decided it was sound advice--and then acted on it IMMEDIATELY. He reported back as it produced results for his company, and still sends me little updates from time to time. I LOVE this guy!
This is the reward a mentor gets. Knowing that giving of their time and interest can help someone else. And seeing the results of that. Knowing you've made a positive impact, no matter how small, in someone else's life is gratifying.
But beyond the immediate experience of asking for—and actually listening to—someone's advice, there is a little-understood dynamic that goes on in the mentoring process.
There are two tricky beliefs that cause problems:
The mentored person eventually gets to a place where they want to believe their success is totally due to their own efforts.
And sometimes the mentor can't let go. They want to believe the person they helped would never have made it without them.
What's sad is that neither belief is true.
Re: the mentored who tend to "forget" they every asked you for help... I don't want to be that person.
I know who's helped me along the way--even the people who weren't very nice about it at times! I try to always remember them, and thank them. Sometimes too much so. At one point, when I was offered a book contract with Lark Books, I actually tried to convince them that another stamp carver (Julie Hagan Bloch) was the person who deserved to write the book, since I'd learned many of my techniques originally from HER self-published booklet. My editor convinced me that I was indeed the very person they wanted for the job. To set my mind at rest, I still checked in with Julie. To my relief, she reassured me that she was touched that I'd even thought of stepping aside for her. But she was in no position at that point in her life to write a book and she was delighted I was going to do it.
It just seems like the right thing to do. But I'm learning how rare it is for someone to think—and act—that way.
On the other hand, there is the mentor who, once their mentoring is not needed any longer (or not to the same extent), can't let go. They want to believe the person cannot make it without their help, that the person would not have succeeded without them, that the mentored person will always be subordinate to them.
A mentor can be a godsend, giving you a boost (or a kick in the pants) just when you need it.
But a truly motivated person will eventually find what they need to know to be successful. They will find many teachers along the way. When I'm able to help someone, I appreciate it if they are grateful. But I'm also quick to remind them that someone helped ME figure that stuff out, too. Or that they would have figured it out eventually on their own. Because they are smart, and hardworking, and capable. All I've done is save them some time. No one is born wise. We all have to learn it along the way, and some of us don't have to be hit alongside the head as much as others with our life-learning experiences....
The moral of this little essay today—no one is an island. We all learn and grow wise by learning from other people. Sometimes you give, and sometimes you get.
I think the most graceful people in the world always remember that you can do both at the same time.
And the person you helped yesterday, may just be the person who gives YOU a helping hand today.
