Almost two years ago, I began some new wall hangings. I called them the "Shield" series.
They were inspired by the stories of young people I'd met, whose chaotic lives and desperate striving for a normal life moved me to tears.
Their stories were powerful ones. And yet, I could not seem to bring the series to fruition.
I finally realized it was the first time I'd used my art to further a story that was not my own. It was for a good cause, a commendable cause--but someone else's cause.
A dear friend, Alisha Vincent, saw one sample, and we talked about it later. She brushed aside my grandiose schemes of working the art into a fundraiser, a show, a focal point for social action. One sentence still rings in my heart.
The work was powerful, she said, not because of those young people, or because of the what I wanted it to do. The shield spoke to people, she explained, "because we all need to be protected from something."
As I struggle with this deep depression once again, I hear her words so clearly today.
I heard them again as I tried to write a mentor who listened so deeply to me earlier this week.
I started out telling her of more emotional setbacks--another conflicted personal relationship that had blown up in my face in an instant, another situation demanding meetings and negotiations and explanations and diplomacy.
I started a long, convoluted letter to lease. I tried to figure out what had gone haywire with these other situations. I thought I would ask her what I should do. I was trying to reconcile what she'd said to what was going on in my life.
Lease had said, "I don't know what's causing this deep distress in your soul right now, but you need to protect yourself! There are people who are saying hurtful things, even people who think they are trying to help you--and you need to stop listening to them for awhile."
And instead of trying to straighten out the tangled nest of friendship, it came to me: I just can't do this right now.
I realize that it doesn't matter who's fault this all is, or what I bring (or don't bring!) to these relationships. It doesn't matter who said what, or what I'm going to do about it, or whether the situation can even be fixed. Maybe, maybe not. At this point, I'm too exhausted to care.
They are simply a huge drain on my already stretched resources. There is no energy left to give.
There's no sense asking other people about it. It will only open up another round of second guessing myself and other people's motives.
Who cares??
The only place left to go--the LAST place to go--is back to my art.
I feel a sudden urge to finish that Shield series. If there is any place where my heart can be healed, it will be with this series. I feel this strongly.
Because the story has become MY story.
Because we all need protection from something.
And for now, that someone who needs to be protected is ME.
